Mr. Wizard’s World


Scientist Warren Kruger shares his knowledge with kids…

What is a light year?
365 days with fewer calories. Next…

Why doesn’t alcohol freeze?
Spite. Alcohol is a stubborn liquid, known in the scientific community as water’s angry cousin. When exposed to cold temperatures alcohol holds its breath and refuses to participate with the other liquids. Booze remains fluid while the other liquids petrify in cowardice. German beer is the worst… this is why you can never ice a Heinekin.

Why is the sky blue?
Are you trying to prove me moronic? You have failed.

What makes hair grow?
For every good idea and intelligent sentence that comes out of your mouth you create almost twenty bad ideas and misguided notions. These sit in your skull until your brain literally forces them out through the follicles in your head, and this waste material known as hair is styled and paraded. Obviously, bald people are geniuses.

What is Project Microwave?
I have never participated in any kind of mass-radiation experiment. This project is still classified as far as I am aware! Name your source or exit the classroom!

What is a light year?
First, artificial intelliegence is not designed to serve you or clean your home to compensate for your laziness. Androids are designed to serve humanity by increasing processing speed and determining precise laser targets for military strikes… and I will personally see to it that no robot is ever able to dance.

Where does the sun go at night?
The sun and moon are locked in eternal struggle, a game of hide and seek so delicate and precise that the slightest variance will collapse the tides and bring death and destruction to the home we call Planet Earth. Many feel that the Sun and the Moon are actually the same person, and that dusk and dawn are merely excuses for him to changes clothes and continue the charade. I have several phone calls in about this…

Where do bees go in the winter?
To their vacation home, which I believe is located in the greater Tampa area.

Is time-travel possible?
I am from the future, in which you have already asked that ridiculous question and in which I have already exposed you as ignorant in front of your classmates. It is too late to take it back… your tears will begin in less thirty seconds.

Posted in Mr. Wizard's World | Leave a comment

Hilarious Seinfeld Bloopers!

Excuse me sir, do you like to laugh?

Posted in Videos | Leave a comment

Wonderings

Wonderings
by Roosevelt Steinway

 

 

 

You can fool some of the people all of the time but oral sex is still surprisingly expensive

Sorry I’m late… I was on the toilet all morning with the beefies

Childhood was a breeze, what with Papa’s weakness for Mexican snatch

Avoid Everything Bagels, because they really do lead to the harder stuff

Excuse me, but are you the woman they call the human garbage bucket?

My son Lousy has low self-esteem for some reason

The best part of blacking out is-

I have no problem with gays in the military but I do feel they should be banned from deep-space exploration

Everything you do is Zen- except that

“Guilty, Your Honor, but it’s a great story…”

My wife and I made a deal: she stops serving me pancakes and I stop 
freeking Japanese teens

‘Nana’s medication’ is not a food group

Somedays I feel like the last dyslexic in Alphabet City


Posted in Wonderings | Leave a comment

The Critics Speak


 

 

Tron: Legacy

“Forget everything you never remembered about Tron!”
“Only 28 more years until Tron 3!”
“Entertainment and a seizure – for $10!”
“Like a screensaver wired to a car battery”
“[Pretending to] like the Tron is very popular right now!”
“Better than the original… but then, what isn’t?”
“Tron-a-thon-a-go-go!”
“Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, B, A, Start = [I love] this movie!!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Black Swan
“The dark side of prancing in tutus”
“Will inspire eating-disorders for an entire generation of teenage girls!”
“Portman will always be that little girl we knew on Naboo”
“I smell an Oscar nomination and some sort of seafood dish”
“The implication of pedophilia has never been more graceful”
“Black Swan by ugly ducking via ludicrous peacock”
“Came out of my coma in time to catch the credits”
“A bridal shower for the criminally insane”

 

 

 

 

Yogi Bear
“It ain’t over till it’s been CGI’d”
“Where’s Miss Piggy?”
“How did they get Aykroyd in the bear suit?”
“That’s so Yogi!”
“[Finally…] Aykroyd and Timberlake as CGI bears”
“My kids were lost from the get-go!”
“Like a pantful of warm oatmeal on a cold winter morning”
“Brash… furious… mystical, [verging on] Holy… alert the Vatican of yet another miracle”

 

 

 

 

 

Little Fockers
“The trilogy is complete…and so is this sentence!”
“At least there’s no one to meet this time”
“Stiller Vs. The Toilet: Round 17”
“Fock me and pass the popcorn!”
“CGI DeNiro fooled me completely”
“At this point, don’t they owe us the price of admission?”
“Like a big BM with the bathroom door open!”
“The whoopee cushion sequence was comedy bronze!”

Posted in The Critics Speak | Leave a comment

FAQ

What exactly is this website about?

It’s pretty much everything you need to know about life in this galaxy. Humor. Movies, TV, music, truth… and stupidity on a level so staggering it actually makes sense. And yes, there’s depravity and outrageous sexual exploits that will send blood rushing to your genitals, leaving you dizzy and in need of a moist towelette. There’s also a neat-o comic strip!

Will I need to visit your site faithfully in order to fit in socially and attract the opposite sex?

Yep. This is where you join the conga line… if you don’t check here every hour on the hour you will find your friends using words you don’t understand, words like “grote” and “loy.” You’ll find you’re no longer being invited to parties and no one will return your texts. Your sex life will be reduced to furious masturbation to TV’s Brooke Burke. Same for the guys…

Do women really deserve the right to vote?

Of course not.

Can I win things by clicking?

What are you- retarded? Get out of here!

How does this site work?

We’ve gathered some of the strangest human beings on the planet in order to share their stories with you, to help keep you awake during the numbing hours spent in the prison of your workplace. In this way, we make your life better.

Where do you get your ideas?

Our ideas come from a warehouse in Secaucus, New Jersey. A small German man carries them out in lunchboxes and ships them to us via bike messenger. Just kidding. We pull our ideas from our very own think-boxes, and while the dangerous amounts of cough syrup add to the rainbow, we’re keeping all the credit for ourselves.

How long have you guys been doing this?

Why are you so curious? Now who’s asking the questions?

I seem to have lost the will to live… is there any reason for carrying on?

Just remember, that in spite of our wars, our economic depression, the pain and suffering in the world that we must face every day, in spite of the ever-present heartache in which most of us lead our lives… throughout all the sadness and despite all our failures, the Wendy’s Junior Bacon remains reasonably priced at just .99 cents.

I’m a big fan of the Jay Leno program, and I was wondering if-

Get out.

Do you guys like Hawaiian Pizza?

Pineapple on a pizza pie is a sin against nature. Go home and tell your Mother you’re a failure.

Is sleeping with my sister technically considered incest?

Oh. My. God.

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

Alec

Alec who?

Alectricity! Isn’t that a shock!

cocking shotgun

What makes you guys different from the other humor websites out there?

We’re funny.

Why should I take a chance on you guys?

Because ABBA said so.

I’m skeptical, and need constant reassurance… can your site really be as great as you claim?

Yes. And perhaps your insecurity stems from the time your parents abandoned you at the arcade when you were 9 years old. Just relax… everyone here loves you.

So, in conclusion, this is the greatest site to ever grace the web and I should probably bookmark it right now.

That wasn’t a question, but yes… you’re home. Welcome.


Posted in FAQ | Leave a comment