How to Beat the Breathalyzer

Whether you’re a Cincinnati Bengal or just John Q. Boozebag, these three simple tricks will keep you drunk behind the wheel…where you belong.

Potato Method
Ever wonder why some people keep a bag of potatoes in their car? As any scientician or doctorcologist will tell you, nothing stymies the booze molecules like carbohydrates. Career alcoholics and Congressmen keep a trusty bag of spuds in their passenger seat at all times- and you can too. As soon as you’re pulled over by a police officer after a night of binge-drinking, yank out a potato and take a big bite…the more potato you can get into your system the better off you’ll be. Gobble the spud while he turns on his spotlight and sits in his car for sixty seconds trying to intimidate you. The laugh will be on Officer Killjoy!

After his last DUI, Joba Chamberlain always drives with taters at his side.

The starch in potatoes counteracts the enzymes in alcohol and form a sobriety molecule- the Soby- that tells the breathalyzer that everything is groovy. You may not walk a straight line, but the Boozometer says you’re just fine! Resist the temptation to offer the policeman a potato after he lets you go… it has become clichéd and insulting. Now you know why Idaho has the fewest DUI’s per capita! (Note: Only white potatoes are effective in beating the breathalyzer, as sweet potatoes can only be used for beating a lie detector.)

You knew the good folks at Apple would be all over breathalyzer technology, and for once you knew correctly the first time around! The iLush is a microscopic transponder chip that re-routes a Breathalyzer’s silicon oxide sensors to a photovoltaic proxy server in Cupertino, California, where a remote satellite returns falsified spectrophotometer readings that report a consistent blood-alcohol level of 0.02%- well beneath the legal limit! The iLush is reasonably priced at only $29.95, but the trick is getting it into the breathalyzer without the officer spotting it.

Thanks to the iLush, Nolte is now DUI-free!

The instructions are simple: Remove the calibration panel of the breathalyzer unit and access the distribution board. Locate the acetic acid capacitor and remove the integrated fuel cell chip using tweezers. Discard discreetly. Next, solder the iLush transponder chip into place, being sure to employ goggles for eye protection. (Note: Use a heat sink to disperse the soldering iron’s heat source from spreading across the local area of the circuit board or you may cause blistering and delaminating of the circuit board’s layers.) Next you’ll need to enable the link between the iLush and its servers, which can be easily achieved by sending an ICMP echo request through your cell phone or portable device. Once a confirmation response packet is received, you’re good to blow with the best of them!

In order to implement the iLush it is suggested you create a diversion so the Officer does not notice your modifications to the breathalyzer unit. Try starting a conversation about local sports teams, or inquiring about the fidelity of his wife. With swift hands and proper concentration, the iLush will keep you swerving and weaving for years to come!

Punch ‘n Run
This is a crude but surprisingly effective method at avoiding liquor lockup. The Punch ‘n Run consists of two major steps, the proper order of which is essential to successful execution

Step One: Punch
Get out of your car as the arresting officer approaches you. Rear back with your closed fist- or brick, if available- and hit the police officer’s head with as much impact as possible. If done correctly the policeman should spontaneously discharge blood, saliva, and/or teeth. Depending upon his mood he may fall to the ground or allow his skull to split open as a result of the blunt-force trauma you’ve just delivered. Ignore any unusual sounds or anecdotes that may be emanating from his mouth at this time: he’s more scared than you are, and probably not making very much sense.

The only thing JB enjoys more than beating women is the Punch 'n Run!

Step Two: Run
You’d be genuinely surprised at how many people forget this fundamental part of the plan. Place one foot in front of the other and repeat, escalating in speed, preferably in the opposite direction of the blinding blue lights from the police officer’s squad car. Abandoning your own automobile at this point is necessary, but not a problem, because it can never be traced back to you and your insurance company will surely reimburse you for its total value. While you’re running you should feel free to observe the beauty of the world around you, and to ponder the mystery of creation, or the miracle of consciousness. When this gets old feel free to stop into the nearest bar and order another drink. You… you’ve earned it.

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