He’s a chubby, unkempt schlub who wears a baseball cap to hide his shame. How about taking some of that money you spend on sweatpants and buy yourself some hair plugs? Better yet, just stop appearing on television and we won’t have any problems.
Harry Potter Films
It’s been ten sleep-inducing movies and the dork still hasn’t killed the bad guy. If this series was a dog it would have been put to sleep by now, or at least kicked in the belly until it spewed Alpo on the living room carpet. The British twits who “act” in these films better hold onto their brooms- they’ll be needing them for their next role: poverty-stricken street-sweepers! Harry Potter and the Enough Already…
Denial About The Moon Landing
If you don’t know it was faked, you’re probably having an adult read this sentence to you. Call me back when you’re a grownup.
Snoop Dogg, Jay-Z and Dr. Dre
These elderly once-thugs need to get off my television. Yesterday. Haven’t these oreos milked the fake tough-guy routine for long enough? What’s really sad is that there are still sheltered whites who believe in the wafer-thin personas these stooges have been perpetuating for the last twenty years. It’s kind of like believing professional wrestling is real after the age of 7. The most dangerous thing Jay-Z ever did was buy a Jersey-based sports franchise. The last Doctor that Dre saw was a proctologist for his colonoscopy, and the closest Snoop gets to doggy-style is when his Labrador shits on his Berber carpet. I’d like to issue an open invitation to these chocolate marshmallows: come by my house, anytime of the day or night, and I’ll beat their phony asses back to 1987. In rhythm.
Denis Leary & the MLB
He’s a furious alcoholic who couldn’t find a punch line at a title fight. If I have to hear Leary give another pointless rant about the misery of Boston fans, I will off myself. I’m glad I’ll never meet the man because I don’t think I could pretend to smile for that long. Denny, the Red Sox won. Twice. Now do the baseball fans of the world a favor and chain-smoke yourself to death in silence.
Bon Jovi & the MLB
When did this dropout of Mellencamp University- complete with melting face- become so essential to post-season baseball? If I have to watch this toilet brush lip-synch another tuneless anthem about the power of Chevrolet and the mental stability of Tim McCarver I’m gonna vomit down my shirt. This clown belongs in Vegas bussing tables at the endless burger bar.
The Grocery Store Cashier
Your bagger co-workers are literally the mentally retarded and now with self-checkout, customers are more than happy to do your job without you. You’re about as useful as the Vice President of the United States. Maybe it’s time you reconsider your cousin’s offer of helping him sell meth down at the high school.
The Sham-Wow Guy
Hey everybody! It’s Vince the Slap Chop Guy! When he’s not pushing super-absorbent cloth at you through your television, he’s dicing onions by slapping a piece of plastic – and when he’s not doing that, he’s getting into an uber-Kaufman-esque bloodbath with a hooker in a Miami hotel room. Whores. All fours. S’mores. We all know Vince was due a good punch to the suck-hole but when he got his tongue and face bitten by a prostitute – well, that was just too good to be true That’s like buying one Slap Chop for $19.95 and getting a second one absolutely free, paying only shipping and handling costs.