Mr. Wizard’s World


Scientist Warren Kruger shares his knowledge with kids…

What is a light year?
365 days with fewer calories. Next…

Why doesn’t alcohol freeze?
Spite. Alcohol is a stubborn liquid, known in the scientific community as water’s angry cousin. When exposed to cold temperatures alcohol holds its breath and refuses to participate with the other liquids. Booze remains fluid while the other liquids petrify in cowardice. German beer is the worst… this is why you can never ice a Heinekin.

Why is the sky blue?
Are you trying to prove me moronic? You have failed.

What makes hair grow?
For every good idea and intelligent sentence that comes out of your mouth you create almost twenty bad ideas and misguided notions. These sit in your skull until your brain literally forces them out through the follicles in your head, and this waste material known as hair is styled and paraded. Obviously, bald people are geniuses.

What is Project Microwave?
I have never participated in any kind of mass-radiation experiment. This project is still classified as far as I am aware! Name your source or exit the classroom!

What is a light year?
First, artificial intelliegence is not designed to serve you or clean your home to compensate for your laziness. Androids are designed to serve humanity by increasing processing speed and determining precise laser targets for military strikes… and I will personally see to it that no robot is ever able to dance.

Where does the sun go at night?
The sun and moon are locked in eternal struggle, a game of hide and seek so delicate and precise that the slightest variance will collapse the tides and bring death and destruction to the home we call Planet Earth. Many feel that the Sun and the Moon are actually the same person, and that dusk and dawn are merely excuses for him to changes clothes and continue the charade. I have several phone calls in about this…

Where do bees go in the winter?
To their vacation home, which I believe is located in the greater Tampa area.

Is time-travel possible?
I am from the future, in which you have already asked that ridiculous question and in which I have already exposed you as ignorant in front of your classmates. It is too late to take it back… your tears will begin in less thirty seconds.

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